


The List

by pretty0dd_semisweet



Category: Blink-182
Genre: Doctor!Mark, Hospitals, M/M, Sick!Tom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-22
Updated: 2013-12-01
Packaged: 2017-12-27 07:44:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/976237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pretty0dd_semisweet/pseuds/pretty0dd_semisweet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mark Hoppus was a doctor. He was working at a nice hospital, he knew many people and life was okay. Then he got a new patient.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

It was a mild summers’ day and the heat radiating from the sun was just perfect, not too hot nor too cold. Even inside the big building you could hear the noises of the big and busy city surrounding us, the sounds of traffic and sometimes sirens mashed up together, melting together to one big thing.

It was like the weather was here to celebrate something, even though I really couldn’t think of something that you would celebrate right here, right now.

Here I was, surrounded by sick and broken people, and I meant literally broken people that needed my help. It was at those times when I regretted becoming a doctor, those times when I saw how beautiful and cruel the world could be at the same time, those times when I just wanted to go home. When I had first started doing this job I had never thought that I would end up like this. And by that I mean not feeling like I was still able to help. I knew I wasn’t a bad doctor, but seeing people die, because there was nothing you could do for them, seeing people die because you made a little mistake, seeing people die because you don’t know the solution, because you couldn’t find out how to help them, because there was nothing you could do anymore, it made you break a little inside. Still, there were good things too. Like, seeing babies being born, although I’ve never actually helped during a birth, that wasn’t my area of studies, and see people regaining their power, their life. It felt good to know that you were responsible for that, that you were able to do those things, even if you needed to learn it first too.

Maybe it was that balance of life and death that kept me going, that kept me and my sanity together.

Still every time I got a new patient I was filled with both fear and anticipation. Fear, because I was scared of failing, scared of not being able to help. Anticipation, because I wanted to help, knowing I would do my best to make the person and its’ family smile again.

So, when I walked into the room of my new patient, I smiled warmly at him, trying to make this easier for him. I had prepared myself for this talk, because I knew it wouldn’t be easy, it never was easy, and walked around the bed to stand right next to him.

He was sitting in an upright position, his head leaning against 2 pillows, but it still didn’t look comfortable. I was going to tell the nurse to change something about his position later.

The man was younger than me, I knew it from reading his file, but if I was honest, he didn’t look that way. He looked sick and torn apart, like he had endured too much for his age, which he obviously had, in my opinion.

“Hello, I’m Mark Hoppus, your doctor.” I greeted him. My eyes searched the room for a chair so I could sit down next to him and pulled it next to the bed.

This wasn’t going to be easy.

“So…” I started, not really knowing what to say. People might think it would get easier after some time, but it never got, and I’m pretty sure it never will. Things like that aren’t supposed to be easy.

“I suppose, you are Mr. Thomas DeLonge and 26 years old?” I didn’t need to look into my file, I knew it by now.

“I would prefer it if you called me Tom.” The man answered with a strong voice. It surprised me a little, compared to how sick he looked like, his body so thin and his skin pale, like he was slowly fading away.

“Okay, Tom.” I went on, smiling again, even if it got more painful with every second I knew I was getting near to tell him what needed to be said.

“So, as you know we made you go through different tests and scans, and today the results came in.”

I really didn’t want to scare him. I knew every patient was scared of what the results said, even if the chances were good for them. Though, I guess he knew his chances weren’t that good.

He kept quiet and looked at me intently, a sad smile spread across his face, it looked more like it was a sign of pain than anything else. Maybe he knew what was coming, maybe he didn’t, but I guess it would be just fair to tell him right away.

“I’m sorry to tell you that your cancer has spread onto other organs. Your intestines and brain are already infested.”

I needed to pause for a moment to regain my composure. When I had spoken I could literally see his hopes die, I could see it in his face, the resignation in his eyes.

It hurt. It fucking hurt.

But the worst was yet to come.

“Also, and I’m really sorry and I wish I could help, but there is nothing we can do for you anymore. Your gastric cancer is in its’ terminal stage.”

I gulped and forced myself to look him in the eyes.

“You only have 3 months left to live.”


	2. Chapter 1

After I had told him, he had just gazed into space, the face completely emotionless. I guess he hadn’t thought it was that bad. Nobody probably dares to think that, I guess it would probably destroy you from the inside. Because if you have given up, it’s probably like dying inside. There’s nothing that gives you hope anymore, there’s nothing to hold on to.

Anyway, before leaving the room I grabbed his hand and squeezed it shortly. I just needed to do it, I felt so sorry for him.

This was the part of the job that I hated. Right now there was nothing I could do for him and it bothered me a lot. When I began studying I had known there would be cases I couldn’t help, but I just pushed those thoughts aside, concentrating on the study. It had always felt like this wasn’t going to happen to me, that I would always be the lucky one who never got any patients that would be beyond recovery, or that I could at least help them. Soon enough though I had realized that this had just been a dream that had turned into a nightmare when I had started working, getting back into the reality and getting the truth basically smashed right into my face: There was no exception. We weren’t saints that could heal everything, we were only human, we were only people that had this thing called doctor’s degree. It didn’t make us any different from the people around us, I realized. I think it made it even worse, the feeling of being sorry, because of this special knowledge and the fact that we still couldn’t help, it was just so annoying and even personal.

Now it’s not like I would never feel sorry for patients, but this time it was something different. It _felt_ different. Even though I didn’t know him, I just felt more responsible. There was nothing I could do for him anymore, and it bothered me.

I had read in his file that he had changed hospitals several times since the cancer had been diagnosed. It said that the doctors had always transferred him because they thought the other hospitals could do better, though the problem was that they didn’t. That’s how he ended up here. Now it was too late, there was nothing we could do anymore.

Maybe because of this hopeless case, I should have just banned it from my mind, not completely of course, but just enough to not get too attached.

In the end I needed to go on. I had other patients that needed my attention as well, other patients that I could hopefully help.

Standing on the floor, his file in my hand, I shook my head and let my hand glide through my hair. This was getting too close to me. I needed to get some distance. Letting out a sigh I went down the hall and stepped into the next room where just another sick person awaited me.

 

It was later that week, when I actually saw Tom do something again.

He hadn’t said a word for the last days, he hadn’t done a single thing, except eating maybe. It was more like that he had been lost somewhere inside his head, dealing with what I had told him. He was out of himself, I guess. Who wouldn’t, after such a devastating message?

It had hurt a little to see him like that. I had wondered how he had been when he still had hoped, I had even wondered about how he would have been like if he still was healthy.

Throughout the week I had sat down next to him for a while every day, just to let him have some company. He hadn’t been visited yet, although I didn’t knew the reasons. It just felt right to be there with him, so he wouldn’t feel all alone in this world that was so unfair. I was silent myself, though. I didn’t want to annoy him and I also wouldn’t have known what to say I guess. I mean I didn’t know anything about him, so I didn’t know a topic to begin with and I really didn’t want it to be awkward. One day I had brought him the newspaper and after I had left I had seen him take it and read it, the only sign of him still being alive during the past week. Usually he had just been staring on to the sheets of the hospital bed, the faded white fabric that now was more grayish than the once clear color. The loss of interaction, the empty look of his eyes, the only noticeable movement of his was the slow up and down of his chests, his vital sign. But this subtle thing, the fact that he took the newspaper that I brought him made me smile, it felt good to know he was still there.

The next day I wanted to try something else so I brought him my iPod. I wasn’t sure if he would like the music, but I just hoped it would be okay. I just wanted to make him feel a little better, and since music had always helped me, I thought maybe it would help him as well. I just left it on his nightstand after I had sat with him for a while before I disappeared.

When I came in later that day I found him with the headphones on, lying on the bed completely relaxed (well, I’d say he was relaxed, you could never be sure though) and his eyes closed, so he didn’t notice me. I stepped out of the room again, not wanting to bother him. I think my plan had worked and it left a smile on my face.

I left him the iPod. He needed it more than I would ever need it.

 

It was a calm night when I found him scribbling something into a small, brown notebook.

I had a night shift and I had mostly slept during the day, but I still felt kind of exhausted. I had finished all my other patients first, so I would have some time to spend with him. It’s not like I would have hurried up, I still did my job like it had to be done, but somehow I really felt the urge to see him and it had been a calm shift so far, so I didn’t really see a problem in it.

Slowly but steady this weird attraction towards him worried me a little.

So, after I had finished all the other patients I went to his room, just too find him writing something. When I came in he looked up but then quickly averted his gaze from me and kept on writing, even when I sat down on the chair right next to him.

Even though I was curious, I didn’t ask him what he was writing.

It was his decision to tell me and I didn’t want to pressure him. If he felt like telling me he would say something. He hadn’t finished writing anyway, the pen was still moving over the paper steadily. If there hadn’t been the beeping of the machines the only thing I probably would have heard was the scratching of the tip on the paper.

Eventually the movement of his hand stopped and he just stared at what he had written. I remained silent, waiting for something, waiting for a sign.

“I wrote a list.”

It was the first thing he had said to me since all of this had started, the coming in and sitting next to him. I didn’t quite understand what he meant, but I understood that this meant something. Something big.

“I wrote a list with the things I need to do before I die.”

He had continued talking, probably because I hadn’t said anything.

“Can I read it?”

Maybe I was asking for too much. But, he had told me about it after all, right?

Wordlessly he handed it over to me and I began reading.

**_Things I need to do before I die:_ **

**_1. _ **-**__ ** **_Laying in the grass and watching the stars one last time._ **

**_2.   -_ ** **_Driving to the beach one last time, the place where I used to go when I was younger._ **

**_3.   -_ ** **_Standing on a stage and playing guitar one time in my life._ **

**_4.   -_ ** **_Telling the people that mean the most to me that I love them._ **

**_5.   -_ ** **_Seeing my father again, for the last time._ **

**_6.   -_ ** **_Coming home._ **

**_7.   -_ ** **_One last true kiss._ **

It was hard to read it. I knew now why he had said that he had written a list of things he _needed_ to do before he died, not _wanted_ to do.

“I know it’s stupid” He said now, a sad smile on his face. “But it’s just important to me, even if it’s impossible.”

“It’s not stupid.” It wasn’t. It totally wasn’t stupid. It was honest. I was glad he had done it and I was glad he had showed it to me.

Because now I was able to help him.

“I’m gonna help you. We are gonna do this.” I stopped before I could say ‘But we maybe won’t get everything done’ and held it back. This was his last hope, he had finally regained some of his willpower, and I wasn’t the one who was going to take it away from him for sure.

“Don’t say that if you don’t mean it.” He seemed a little angry now, a little bit scared as well, but I didn’t take it personally. I mean, this is what meant the most to him, this is what he needed to get done before he died. If anybody would have said something was stupid what dying human needed to do before dying, he was a fucking asshole. People didn’t decide those things because they could, they decided them because they had a limited time and they chose the things that were most important to them, to spend this limited time with. So, if anybody would have ever said it was stupid, I would punch them right in the fucking face.

“I mean it. I really mean it.”

I don’t think he was really convinced yet.

Then I got the idea. I was going to prove it to him. I was going to prove him that I really meant. And I was going to prove it right now.

“Okay, tonight, we’re going to do the first article on your list.”

“No shit?” He looked at me in disbelief.

“No shit.” I smiled. “Wait a moment, I’ll be back in a second.” I quickly stood up and rushed out of the room before he asked me where I was going. I stepped out of the room and looked down the corridor. There was nobody I could see, thank god today hadn’t been too busy, so I quickly got into the room again and smiled at him.

“Let’s go.”

The look of disbelief was still displayed on his face, even when we were already walking down the hall after we had arranged all the cables and took the IV bag with us.

We were almost down the hall when a nurse passed us, coming from the right out of a room. She didn’t do anything to stop us though, just greeted us quickly before disappearing into another room. Tom had shot me an anxious look and I had stopped breathing for a moment when she had appeared, but now the way was free again and we could continue walking down the empty hall with the blank white walls that were interrupted by pictures and drawings on the walls on rare occasions.

Soon we reached the elevator. If we were in a hotel there probably would be playing this totally awful and cliché elevator music but since we were in a hospital the only noises were the sounds of our breathing and it was strangely calming, the pure presence of us both sharing this small room, it had something quite intimate, even though I was sure I was the only one thinking about it this way.

As we reached the main floor the doors opened and we stepped into the mildly crowded area. Due to the many people nobody gave us much attention, so we just walked outside, leaving the hospital and the smell of sanitizer behind us, just to be welcomed with the warm breeze of a dark summers night.

It was still warm outside, the last days had been hot and the heat stayed throughout the nights. It was one of those evenings where the sky was clear and the stars were shining bright.

I had been worried that there would be some clouds, but there weren’t any, so it basically was the perfect evening to do the first article on Tom’s list.

He was walking next to me, slowly but steady, with his slippers and hospital gown which we had covered with a blanket I had gotten from the staff room. I had offered him my jacket as well, but he hadn’t wanted it.

Right opposite to the hospital was this small park, were a lot of patients went for a walk when the weather was nice and their condition wasn’t too bad. So, during the day it was a busy park, but at night I guess we were the only ones out there.

The silence of the trees was welcoming us as we walked silently along the path that brought us to this small clearing in the middle of the park. It was a weird atmosphere, the grass was highlighted by the moonlight, but all around us were the shadows of the trees that us. The silence was almost complete here, it was like there wasn’t this busy city around us, but like we were completely alone in this world. I guess you could say it was beautiful. It really was.

Carefully I took the blanket Tom handed over to me and placed it on the ground before gesturing to lay down. When he was laying on his back I did the same, and suddenly was faced with the dark sky with thousands, millions of stars above me.

It was magical.

I closed my eyes for a moment and soaked in the air, opening them again before letting the air out of my lungs.

We laid like that for a while, enjoying the stars and the silence. I couldn’t tell how much time had passed by when Tom started talking.

“I forgot something on the list.”

“Hmm?” his words had surprised me and I didn’t know what I should say. The stars above me had taken me somewhere far away, away from this world. Now I was back and actually got what he had said.

“What is it?”

“It’s not something I need to do before I die, it’s more like… I don’t know.”

“Say it.”

“I want to die at home.”

“So, is that what you meant with _coming home_ on the list?”

“No… Yes. Maybe. But I think I also meant coming to that point where it was okay die. Like, when I’m home nothing matters anymore. I can be myself. I want to be myself when I die.”

Again, I didn’t know what to respond. I was speechless. I don’t think he cared that I didn’t answer, he just looked at the stars and thought about things I would never know.

Eventually it was getting colder. Maybe that was the sign to go. I didn’t have a watch, but I was sure we had been lying here for some time and the longer we stayed the chances of getting caught were getting higher.

“We should go, Tom.” When he heard his name he turned his head to me, a faint smile on his lips. It looked good on him.

“Okay.” He just said.

The way back in wasn’t any more difficult than the way to get outside. When we reached his room I helped him to get into the bed and get all the machines right.

When everything was the same as before we had went outside I sat down next to him again. I didn’t plan on staying for long but when I had wanted to go outside Tom had grabbed my hand and gestured me to sit down for a moment.

“I didn’t think you would mean it.”

I smiled.

“I know.”

 

When I came home that night, it was early morning already, I stepped on the balcony and looked up to the stars.

“Why do you always have to take the wrong people to you?” I asked the dark sky.


	3. 2

During the week I came in to talk to Tom every day and asked him the things I needed to know for the next thing on the list. The beach we were going to was outside of San Diego and I had never been there, but Tom had told me how to get there. All I had to do was convince the head physician. It had been quite hard to do that, but in the end it had worked and he had allowed me to take Tom to the beach, but only if it was on the weekend when I wouldn’t be working, so it wouldn’t be during my working time. I think he only really let us go because I was a doctor myself. If it had been someone from his family I wasn’t quite sure, but in the end I didn’t care. He had allowed it.

So, on the Saturday of the following week Tom and I sat in my car on our way to the beach. The weather had cooled down a bit, but it was still pretty warm. Tom had had to take some painkillers before going though and together with the IV bag we had a pair of crutches with us today.

The drive was about one and a half hours and we were listening to music, talking a little bit.

He had told me that he liked the same music as me and that when I had given my iPod to him he had been surprised to find the same bands he listened to on it.

We basically spent the whole one and a half hours talking about different records and bands, which was kind of relaxing. I didn’t know that many people that were listening to the same bands as I did. I think it was the same for him, he looked so happy talking about music.

Then I remembered something.

“So, you play guitar?”

“Yes, I started when I was like 15, maybe?”

“That’s pretty cool.”

“I’m not that good though.”

“I’m sure you are.” I said and added, “Well, I’ll find out, right?”

I saw him smile at me and smiled back. I guess he still didn’t think this was real, making his wishes possible. I had to be honest, some of them were going to be hard, but I would be trying the hardest to make them happen.

When we reached the beach and left the car, I let Tom lead me to the place he wanted to go to. It was a quite long walk and we had to stop a few times, because he needed a short break. He didn’t look well today, worse than the day I had first seen him. It hurt to see him like that, it hurt to see his condition getting worse.

Eventually we reached the spot he told me about, it was directly at the beach, but there weren’t any people, even though it was good weather and a Saturday.

The place he had wanted to go was something like a cave, it was a pile of rocks with an opening, but it looked totally rad. There were several other big rocks lying around near it as well.

“This place is awesome.”

This time it was his turn to say “I know.”

We sat down at the entrance of the cave, watching the waves break in the shore.

“We used to go here when I was still a kid. We went here almost every Sunday in summer, my mom, my dad and my siblings. The drives were always funny and when we were here we went swimming or built sandcastles. Sometimes we had a picnic. Those trips are probably the best memories of my childhood.”

“That sounds really nice.” I said, still looking at the ocean in front of us. The smell of the ocean flooded my nose, the small grains of sand moved underneath my body. I shifted a little to look at him.

“Why did it stop?”

Tom was still looking at the sea, a longing look on his face.

“My dad left us when I was 16. After that my family wasn’t the same anymore. I don’t think we even were a family anymore. We were just individual people living in a house together. We ate together and sometimes we watched TV together afterwards. We all changed.”

I had expected something like this. Why else would he want to meet his father again, if he hadn’t seen him for a while.

“Why did he leave you?”

“It just didn’t work anymore, I guess. My parents, they were just arguing all the time. It had been like that for about 2 years, but when we came here it was like they forgot everything. This probably was the only place they could be happy again. Anyway, near the end it become worse. Dad went out drinking and came back days later, still hung over. I think the final straw was when I told him that I’m gay.” He paused for a moment and I let out my breath. “He just couldn’t deal with it.”

He blamed himself. He blamed himself for his father leaving them.

“I’m sure it wasn’t your fault.”

“It probably was. Well, I can’t change it anymore, right?” He laughed a little but it sounded more like a shaky breath. He sounded bitter.

“I’m gonna find him. I’m gonna find him for you.”

They needed to talk. And I needed to make it happen.

 

We stayed there for the next 3 hours, walking around a little and talking, eating the food we had brought with us and even stepping into the water with our feet. The waves washed around ankles and the little sharp pieces of broken shells peeked into my feet. It was a nice feeling though. After some time of enjoying the cool liquid I bent down and grabbed a small shell that was lying in front of my feet. It was really tiny but the color of it was a deep and dark shade of blue, the top was riffled and the inside a blank white. It was a beautiful shell and the thought of almost stepping on it scared me a little because it reminded me how easily us humans could destroy something beautiful with such a thoughtless motion, how easily we oversee all the small things.

I decided to take it with me because it looked so nice but also because of the thoughts that came along with it. I liked the way it led my thoughts to those things that the society liked to forget too fast, the things we should have been taught but never were. I put the shell into the pocket of my jeans and turned around, leaving the ocean behind me.

It had been a nice day but at some point Tom looked really tired. I guess it was time to go. It must have been exhausting for Tom, not only physically but also mentally. All the talk of his childhood must have been at least a little hurting for him as I could imagine, not only because my father had left us when I was younger as well. Since I knew how it still hurt after all this time, even when it was just a little, so the strong feeling of protection and sympathy grew even more.

The drive back was nice but quiet, we had been talking a lot today and it just felt like nothing needed to be said anymore, that we needed to settle down and sort our own thoughts for a while. The music was still playing in the background.

As we reached the hospital I brought him up to his room and helped him organize all the machines again, just like last time. That day he was a lot more exhausted though and when I looked at him, I think I really saw him for the first time.

I saw his face, pale and bags under his eyes.

I saw his body, thin and bony.

I saw his eyes, tired and exhausted.

But I also saw the smile on his face. The smile that had been there since we had left the beach. The smile that looked so good at him, the smile I would have loved to see on him when he hadn’t been sick yet.

When I saw this smile on his face, I knew I couldn’t let him down now. I think I never really could have let him down anyway. I knew I had to fulfill his wishes. If I didn’t, I could never be happy again. I just knew it.

I shoved my hand into the pocket of my pants and pulled out the little blue shell and placed it on his nightstand. I wanted him to have it. It would be a memory of this place he loved, something he could feel even physically. And if I could I would have given him the world.

But all I had to give right now was this little blue shell and some hope.

I was his only hope.

The hope even if the war was already lost.

 

Later that day, when I was at home, I started searching for Tom’s father.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took me so long, guys...

Chapter 3

 

To make the next article on Tom’s list happen, I had needed to call some people I knew from back then when I used to play in a band. We weren’t big, just playing some clubs on the weekends, but it had been fun. I was sad when we broke up, but I guess it just didn’t work. Lately nobody had had time for practice and we agreed that it didn’t make any sense to continue. I still missed it, though.

Anyway, because of this whole band thing I got to know some of those guys that work for record labels and also some organizers, which owned some of the bigger venues. So, with one of them I still hung out sometimes. He was a nice guy and I hoped he would let me bring Tom with me to just let him play on the stage for maybe an hour and then go again, honestly, it wouldn’t be a big deal for him, right? Well, obviously not as a big deal as it would be for Tom. I could understand him. I mean, there wouldn’t be any people, but still, the feeling standing on that stage would hopefully be enough. That was the only thing I could do for him. I had thought of inviting some people Tom knew to listen to him, but I didn’t know how he would react, I didn’t know if he wanted that. I didn’t know him that well after all, we barely knew us for three weeks now. Those three weeks had been amazing, I had to admit. I had started to really like Tom, he was an adorable guy and I think he had used to be a really funny young man who liked to laugh. I didn’t want it to be over for him, I still wanted him to laugh.

So, that day I called this friend of mine. After explaining the whole situation he eventually said yes, even though he didn’t seem that happy. I wasn’t mad at him that he didn’t say yes immediately, it was still his business. But when he said it was okay and told me the date when we should come, I wanted to hug him. I was just so happy: Another point on Toms’ list that I would have made possible. I couldn’t wait to tell him that he should prepare himself for playing some rad songs for me, but I still waited until Monday when I needed to go to work again.

Sadly, I hadn’t found a clue about where Tom’s father could be right now. I had been searching the internet the whole evening, but didn’t find an address or phone number. I basically had only one chance left and that was asking one of the people who did the computer stuff at work if they could check out his name. Maybe he was somewhere in the system, because of health insurance. I really hoped it, because otherwise I didn’t know what else I could do to find him in time. Because we hadn’t that much time left, 2 months maybe, and Tom felt worse every day. It was just a matter of time when he wouldn’t be able to walk anymore.

 

Monday at work I told Tom about my success at organizing a stage for him. When I told him that we would be alone there though, his face lit up and a big smile filled his face, saying that he wouldn’t want it any other way anyway. I was glad that he didn’t mind, I had been worried a bit over the weekend.

On Wednesday the time had come. I had talked with the head physician again and he had let us go. I think he had understood how important it was to Tom, he even let us go during my work time. I wouldn’t have minded to use my overtime, but if it was okay this way I wouldn’t complain. I could probably need it later.

When we arrived at the venue, my old friend was already waiting there. He led us inside and behind the stage and showed us around a little. He had even organized a tech that would do the lights, which I certainly had offered to pay for, but he said he would pay it himself. He wanted to do something good, as he had told us. Tom thanked him over and over and couldn’t hold back his excitement. He had been like this the whole drive, excited like a little child. I guess music just was his passion, his everything.

We had picked up his guitar beforehand, he had stayed in the car though. He hadn’t felt that well the past week and he had told me that he wasn’t ready to go into his flat without returning to it forever. I guess I couldn’t have done it myself if I had been in his position, it must be hard to leave the place that you called your home. So, instead he gave me the keys to his apartment and I went inside on my own.

His flat was on the third floor, but I took the stairs instead of the elevator. Finally I reached the third floor and stood in front of the door of his flat, pushing the key into the lock and opening the door slowly.

The first thing I noticed had been the walls with all the pictures on them. The walls themselves were blank but together with the pictures they almost seemed alive, bursting with colors. I stepped a little closer to look at some of them just to find pictures of a young Tom with his family, I supposed, pictures of Tom with friends and even some pictures of gigs he had been too. They looked like he had taken them himself, not really professional, but I think it was exactly this that made you feel them. And with feel I mean you think you were there yourself, the intimate angle and the blurred pictures with the lights melting together, it was just such a personal perspective, out of the crowd where all of us stood, together as one big thing in this one special night.

Letting my gaze wander around the rest of the living room I found what I had been originally looking for.

Toms’ guitar. It was a surf green Fender Stratocaster and it looked just beautiful. I always had a thing for this color, I had a bass in a color that was pretty similar to this one.

Next to it leaned a case so I carefully placed the guitar inside of it and closed it, almost forgetting to take the amp with me. Well, that would have been kind of embarrassing.

The way down I took the elevator, I didn’t want to walk the stairs with all those heavy things and the chance of tripping and breaking something was just too high, I didn’t want to risk it.

When I reached the main floor I stepped out of the elevator and left the building and walked around the car and opened the trunk, carefully placing everything in the back of my car and then we continued our way to the venue where we were now standing, waiting to begin.

Inside the big building Tom had plugged in everything and stood on the stage in front of me, I was waiting in front of it, standing behind the first barrier that was still standing there from a concert the evening before. All the windows were closed and the shades pulled down. The tech had placed a strobe of light on him, so the rest of the venue was dark but him, he was shining as bright as the stars in the night not so long ago.

And then he started. When he strummed the first notes, the sound filled the air, and I just listened. He played a song I didn’t know, but I didn’t care, it sounded amazing.

When he started singing it seemed like everything else around us stopped existing.

As the words danced along to the music, when his voice played with the sounds of the guitar, he sounded so strong. Like everything wasn’t as bad. Like everything was still okay.

I liked his voice. It always had this strange accent and still had it when he sang. Like, some singers sounded totally different when they sang, but he still had this special thing in his voice, the way he made the words sound. It was unique. He was unique.

When the song was over he started playing a slower one and his voice became a little bit quieter, I could already tell this song meant a lot to him. I just stayed there, watching him shine on the stage and thought that this was his true self. This is what he wanted to be. This here was where he wanted to be. This here was where he belonged to. On a stage.

The following songs were mostly songs from bands I listened to myself and I sang along with him, but just really quiet. I didn’t want to destroy this.

The last song was different though. I could feel it, I knew that this song wasn’t like all the other songs he had played before. I knew it without asking him that he had written this song on his own.

_When all is said and done will we still feel pain inside?_

_Will the scars go away with night, sad smiles for the morning light._

_It’s like the best dream to laugh, when everything is not so bad_

_Every tear is so alone when god himself is coming home_

_To say_

_I could do anything if you want me here and I could fix everything if you let me near_

_And where are those secrets now that you’re too scared to tell?_

_I’ll whisper them all aloud so you can hear yourself._

I wanted to listen to him forever, I wanted to have this song on a record, so I could listen to it as much as I wanted. The pain and the emotion in this song, it just felt so real, it almost hurt in a physical way to listen to him.

And then, suddenly, it was over. Tom had played the last song, his own song, and it was over. The light went on and the dizziness that I had felt during the song started to slowly fade away, leaving him full with emotions he couldn’t quite comprehend. He had touched my heart, his voice and music had changed something inside me but I wasn’t really sure what it was yet.

After the ‘concert’ everything happened in a rush. I didn’t even really know what he was doing, I was just working on autopilot. When we both were sitting in the car I finally started speaking.

“It was awesome. Perfect. Breath taking. I don’ even know what to say. But, I have one question. The last song, you wrote it yourself, right?”

Tom averted his eyes from the street he had been looking at and smiled at me. A warm feeling spread inside my stomach and I smiled back at him.

“Yes, I wrote it on my own. Did you like it?”

“If I liked it? I loved it! Seriously, it really got to me.” To my embarrassment my cheeks started to become a little red and Tom just kept grinning at me.

“Really?” He asked, blushing a little himself now.

“Really.” I answered, concentrating on the street again. For the rest of the drive we stayed quiet, but I knew I wasn’t the only one who had a smile on my face.

Back at the hospital I had a question.

“So, about the next article, what should we do? Do you want them to come and visit you or do you want to visit them? I mean, if you feel well enough…” I trailed off, not sure what to add. I looked at the man in front of me expectantly, waiting for an answer.

“Well, I would like to visit them. There’s something…” he didn’t finish the sentence but I didn’t ask any further, by now I knew that Tom would tell me if he was ready. “Well, anyway, I’ll tell you how we get there.”

“Okay, then I’ll just go and ask the head physician. Would a Saturday be okay?”

“Of course.” Tom responded, suddenly looking tired. He had been strong the whole day but the sickness was showing through by now, he was even paler than usual and he was even shivering a little. I really didn’t want to go, even though I didn’t really have a reason to stay too, at least nothing I could explain. I was just his doctor after all, even if I wasn’t sure about how I felt towards Tom anymore. This sick man in front of me, he had found his way into my heart and not only on a friendship kind of way I had to admit, but how could I explain that? It was hopeless, this man would be dead in just a matter of weeks. I said goodbye too quickly when I left the room and already regretted it when I stepped out of the hospital, letting a sigh out into the fresh air of the dark night.

Then I remembered something.

“Fuck!” I cursed, storming into the busy building again. I didn’t go to the station I was working at though, I took the way on his left and walked down the hall to the department were the whole computer stuff was going on. When I reached the room I knocked but didn’t wait for a response and just stepped in.

“At least you knocked.” The guy sitting in front of the computer said dryly.

“Have you checked the name I gave you yet?” I asked, not saying anything to the comment from before.

“Yes.”

“And?”Suddenly I became uneasy, changing my weight from foot to foot.

“I found a phone number. I don’t know if this helps you but-“ I interrupted him halfway through, a big smile on my face.

“Thank you, you were my last hope. Could you write it down for me, please?” I quickly asked as if the number would suddenly disappear if I wouldn’t have it in the next 3 seconds.

“Calm down, dude.” The computer guy mumbled but had already started scribbling down the numbers on a small post-it. As he handed it over to me he said “We’re quit now, right?”

“Sure.” I mumbled, already almost out of the door again.

I had once helped the computer guy to get out of the really awkward situation in a bar. I had seen him and remembered that he worked in the same hospital as I did, so I had decided to get him out of that. Let’s just say the whole thing contained a transsexual that liked to flirt with geeky computer guys that had drunk a bit too much.

Anyway, I had used my favor now and I was extremely lucky that I hadn’t used it for a minor thing before.

 

When I opened the door of my apartment I immediately made my way through the room and grabbed the phone that was on its’ docking station on his desk. Frantically I searched the pockets of my jacket before I remembered that I had put it into my wallet so there was no chance of it disappearing.

I typed the numbers into the phone and mentally cursed the computer guy for having such a bad writing, I just hoped he got all the numbers right. Finally I pressed the call button.

It beeped and beeped but nothing happened. Eventually the mailbox came on.

 _“This is the mailbox of          DeLonge. You can leave a message after the beep.”_ For a moment I decided to just hang up and trying again later but then I started speaking, leaving Tom’s dad a message.

“ _Hello Mr. DeLonge. My name is Mark Hoppus and I called you because there is something that I need to talk to you about. It’s about your son. I ask you to please call me back as soon as possible. Thank you and good evening”_

I hung up and scratched my head. I just hoped that he would call me back.

 

The next day I was at the hospital early. I wanted to talk to the head physician before my shift started and I knew he would be there. Today I would need some more time than the other times before.

When I knocked on the door of his office I heard him say “Come in.” and I quickly pushed the door open, just to be faced with my boss.

“Hello, Mr. Baker.” I said, stepping closer to the desk and when my boss gestured me to sit down I did so.

“What made you come here, Mr. Hoppus?” he asked directly.

“Well…” I started, not knowing where to begin. I decided to start with the smallest anliegen. “First of all I wanted to ask you, if it would be okay to take Mr. Thomas DeLonge out on a daytrip again. I guess you remember the list I’ve been talking about earlier? We want to do next article on it, and it’s only possible to do it this way. It’s not really exhausting, it doesn’t contain much walking or any other exhausting things. We just want to visit his family, he wants to say goodbye.” I stopped, not knowing where to look. I felt bad talking this openly to someone else than Tom about his last wishes. It wasn’t right, but I needed to do it. “So, would that be okay?” I asked, just hoping he would allow it.

“Mr. Hoppus, I’m sure this isn’t the only reason why you’re here. This is just a minor thing, something that could be decided in 5 minutes, but you are here, way earlier than when your shift actually starts. So, what is on your mind?”

Mentally I was screaming and raging, but I stayed calm on the outside. There was no way out now.

“I wanted to ask you if I could take care of Mr. DeLonge during his last days.”


End file.
